Pandasmom's Blog

living with PANDAS, not the furry ones…

“You are breaking my heart” May 21, 2010

Filed under: Bad days — pandasmom @ 10:39 pm

Our life is very routine because that is what works best for A.  Fridays are usually our most fun days because we get to all be together and have a lot of fun.  Usually after art class we go over to the open play class for the girls.  The same children are there every week and the children have their own routine.  A is having an extremely hard time right now and was showing a lof of inflexibility.  Most of the parents have watched us go through this horror show and are somewhat aware of what is going on.  We’ve done well to hide things and reduce our public image over the past several months so our issues might have been forgotten a bit. 

However, A was quite hyped up this afternoon.  There was also a boy there who only comes about once a month and he changes the dynamic when he is there.  These 2 things made for a bad situation for us today.  After about 90 seconds, I knew we had made a bad choice in going to the open play.  I quickly warned the girls that we would be leaving soon.  Somehow a clique seemed to form and A felt alienated.  She started howling “You are breaking my heart” to her 2 friends.  It was heartbreaking to me.  How can a 4 year old say such things?

A was unable to move except to cry.  Luckily when I told her I was going to help her she accepted it. Usually this will amp her up even further.  But she let me pick her up and carry her out to the lobby this afternoon. 

I felt very alone during all of this.  All of us parents have been attending this play gym since the children were born 4 years ago.  I certainly don’t expect them to solve my problem, but when my child is screaming “You are breaking my heart” to their child, I would expect them to at least hang up the phone!  I was shocked and saddened.

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One Response to ““You are breaking my heart””

  1. Amy Johnson Says:

    I am so sorry that you felt alone today. That makes me want to scoop you up, hug you, and remind you that you are not alone. What you are going through is real. It is hard. It is heartbreaking. It is unfair. There is nothing harder than watching your child suffer. I sometimes fantasize about being tortured in some way if only my children will not be.

    Perhaps that is a phrase (heartbroken) that she heard from an adult. Perhaps she understands what it means. Perhaps she really does have those feelings. (I beleive that children do.) How wonderful that she was able to express her feelings, and how sad that the feelings that she was having were those of heartbreak.

    You are not alone. There is a community of people who understand. It’s just that they are usually not standing with you.

    Perhaps the other parents were looking upon with feelings of guilt, saddness, disapproval and misunderstanding. I think that it truely takes someone who not only understands, but who is brave enough and self assured enough to know how to intercede in difficult situations. Situations that may seem to be “family” oriented – or none of their business.

    You will continue to have a special kind of love that is reserved in a special place for your children’s triumphs. And you will have a special kind of saddness for the seemingly endless challenges. Perhaps you are blessed with both. Because one cannot exist without the other. That is something that the other parents may not have.

    Wish you well, friend.

    Love,

    Amy


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